Christmas

Christmas 2009 is over... the gifts are all opened and the mess is almost all cleaned up. Drums are already dented... she loves them and wants to "rock it" all the time! (her words exactly) Monique had a wonderful time. She adores having family around her. Last night while I was snuggling her into bed, she asked is we could have a party tomorrow night, and the next night and then again.

What a beautiful girl... what a beautiful spirit she has in her little heart. We are December 26th.. boxing day... one month exactly from today, Monique will be in intensive care. Hopefully everything will have gone without complication.

This Christmas was very hard. I tried to smile and laugh with the rest. But I felt like crying. I feel like crying. I wish I could bottle all the magic of Christmas and bring it with us into the hospital. I would put it in an empty sprinkles bottle and shake it all over her before and after surgery.

ox... Dear Santa... if you have any magic left, could you please mail it to me

love Faith

Mom, what does it mean?

Well. Monique asked me the inevitable question this morning... "Mom, what does it mean... they are going to fix my heart."
What do I say? I completely went numb. This is how the conversation went:
Um, Um... it means they are going to open the zipper where your scar is and fix it so you can run again.
ok.. are they going to cut me?
I don't know... I am not your doctor.
Will it hurt (while her lip is shaking)
A little yes... but like a blood test, it hurts for a little and then it gets better.
ok (with an extremely pensive look on her face)

wow... a heavy morning
Half hour later she showed up in the kitchen in her panties doing a hoola dance! silly girl. She is going to be quite a little personality!

Save the date

Monique's surgery will be January 26th and her pre-op will be January 18th 2010. I desperately hope that the pre-op doesn't scare her too much for what will be to come. Please pray that her symptoms do not worsten until then.

I cannot wait until she can run and play as she wants without worrying it is too much. I can't wait to let her be active again.

SNOW!

I have never seen such excitement for snow. Monique announced that Santa was coming now that there was snow... ha ha ha. When I showed her how many more days before he came it was too funny. She asked why it was snowing then. I replied that the ground had to get ready for Santa too! It was decorating itself like we decorate inside.

Monique was exausted when she got home from school today. She cuddled up on the couch and was falling alseep. She said she was going to have a nap. I told her she should go in her bed. She agreed and went, got snuggled in all by herself and slept for about 45 minutes. Now, for those of you who know Monique, that is completely not in her "normal" behaviour. Poor babe. I think it is time to start picking her up early from school if she is this tired when she gets home. No need to tire her out more then needed.

Please keep praying that her condition does not worsten before her surgery. ox

Gingerbread house...

My brother came over last night and helped us make a gingerbread house... :)
We had lots of fun.

Surgery

I heard from Monique's cardiologist yesterday morning. Monique's surgery is booked for early January and she is on the cancellation list in the mean time to try and get her in a little earlier.

She will have to suffer another month. Every morning, she wakes up and the first thing I hear is ... Mom, I don't feel good. When she gets home from school I hear... Mom, I have a headache. Monique is not one to complain when she is sick. She is a complete trooper so I know that when she does say something she usually really means it.

So we have to sit and wait... hopefully she won't get any more symptomatic then she is.

sitting by the phone...

I am sitting by the phone wondering when it will ring. I have a huge lump in my throat and a hole in my stomach. Monique will need surgery earlier then we thought. With her decreased activity tolerance, her headaches and her general "not feeling well" her cardiologist has decided that it is time to intervene.
As I sit here and write this blog surgeons are discussing my beautiful baby. They are discussing what should be done and when it should be done. Monique's cardiologist told us it could be as soon as next week.
I am walking around in circles. It takes everything not to cry. My heart stops every time the phone rings. I say hello and wait for a voice.
I pray that everything will be ok. There will be no complications. I will bring Monique home after surgery better than ever. Energetic, full of life, ready to run.
I cannot think of anything else. I cannot imagine anything else. I cannot dream of anything else. I cannot drink anything else. I cannot eat anything else. All that I am right now is Monique.
I am Monique and her heart.
I am sitting, with my whole heart, by the phone... waiting for it to ring.



... so the phone didn't ring... but I got an email. Monique's surgeon is not available until next week. I will not know more until he gets back.
I am afraid... I am afraid that the longer Monique has to wait... the more headaches she will have to endure, the less activity she will be able to participate in, the more she will suffer. I WANT IT DONE NOW! It is not fair to make her wait and suffer!
Her cardiologists assure me that she is stable. She is stable, yes, ok. But she does not feel well. Does that account for anything? Why chance her being unstable by waiting?

So , I will sit... and wait... and be the best mom I can be. I will be there when she needs me and I will back away when she feels she needs space. I will hold her tiny hand in mine and look into her deep chocolate eyes, and simply be there.

I will sit and wait and hold her hand, until she is considered sick enough to actually do something about her condition.

So sit every once in a while, and pray with me, pray for me, pray for her...