sitting by the phone...

I am sitting by the phone wondering when it will ring. I have a huge lump in my throat and a hole in my stomach. Monique will need surgery earlier then we thought. With her decreased activity tolerance, her headaches and her general "not feeling well" her cardiologist has decided that it is time to intervene.
As I sit here and write this blog surgeons are discussing my beautiful baby. They are discussing what should be done and when it should be done. Monique's cardiologist told us it could be as soon as next week.
I am walking around in circles. It takes everything not to cry. My heart stops every time the phone rings. I say hello and wait for a voice.
I pray that everything will be ok. There will be no complications. I will bring Monique home after surgery better than ever. Energetic, full of life, ready to run.
I cannot think of anything else. I cannot imagine anything else. I cannot dream of anything else. I cannot drink anything else. I cannot eat anything else. All that I am right now is Monique.
I am Monique and her heart.
I am sitting, with my whole heart, by the phone... waiting for it to ring.



... so the phone didn't ring... but I got an email. Monique's surgeon is not available until next week. I will not know more until he gets back.
I am afraid... I am afraid that the longer Monique has to wait... the more headaches she will have to endure, the less activity she will be able to participate in, the more she will suffer. I WANT IT DONE NOW! It is not fair to make her wait and suffer!
Her cardiologists assure me that she is stable. She is stable, yes, ok. But she does not feel well. Does that account for anything? Why chance her being unstable by waiting?

So , I will sit... and wait... and be the best mom I can be. I will be there when she needs me and I will back away when she feels she needs space. I will hold her tiny hand in mine and look into her deep chocolate eyes, and simply be there.

I will sit and wait and hold her hand, until she is considered sick enough to actually do something about her condition.

So sit every once in a while, and pray with me, pray for me, pray for her...